I started this blog to document our life, our adventures. We were high on the summer feelings and constantly on the go. Now, school has started and I feel.. different. Unsure if it’s just something as simple as coming off of our summer high, or something deeper. Possibly that my baby is turning one, no longer a baby by book terms, and I’m struggling with who I am. Baby-less.
Once my children are more independent (see also, not nursing every three hours), what am I left with? I nourished my body for them so they could grow in utero, birthed them, fed from myself- for them. Motherhood is never-ending, but motherhood during the first year is. When it’s gone, it’s gone. I sit here wondering what to do with myself. It’s not like my days are free and my house is clean, I am busy. Busy with kids. With a husband who works. An active family with constant visits. But at the end of the day, I’m left with me. Which is a scary thought when you’re unsure who “me” really is or wants to be.
I also have a birthday coming up. I am happy to grow, and growing up means getting that much closer to yourself. Something I honestly long for now that I’m able to pinpoint that I don’t know what “self” means. I went from high school to having a baby. Confident in my decision, no regrets. My life now is everything I dreamed it would be and more than I could ever even ask for. This year marks my sixth birthday as a Mother, and I am so grateful that all of my children and husband are in my life. I hate the word blessed, but I really am.
So, when did you find yourself? Most say in their late twenties or early thirties… but do I really need to wait another six years to “find” that mysterious piece of my puzzle? I asked my Mom’s partner, who turned 30 earlier this year, if she feels more comfortable with herself now verses her mid-twenties and she said yes. Content with her current state– which I am also. And I get that. I am beyond content with my life. It’s more the stress and worry about not having any substance as Kelly and losing my identity in Mom. And then between those two there is also Wife. Speaking in third person now– Kelly, Mom, and Wife all live happily together and make one whole Me. I have the Mom part down (sort of, constantly evolving), working every day on the Wife part, and hoping to slowly learn who Kelly is underneath Mom and Wife.
I could go on. Probably because it’s so unknown. This sense of “self”… but for now I will keep rambling inside my head. Wondering if the women I pin on Pinterest knew themselves before they were okay with buying 600$ wide-leg shorts and figuring their true sense of self. Lets just say I’ve been listening to a lot of Coconut Records, I need to cook dinner, and it’s Monday.