August 25, 2014

rambling on

I started this blog to document our life, our adventures. We were high on the summer feelings and constantly on the go. Now, school has started and I feel.. different. Unsure if it’s just something as simple as coming off of our summer high, or something deeper. Possibly that my baby is turning one, no longer a baby by book terms, and I’m struggling with who I am. Baby-less.

Once my children are more independent (see also, not nursing every three hours), what am I left with? I nourished my body for them so they could grow in utero, birthed them, fed from myself- for them. Motherhood is never-ending, but motherhood during the first year is. When it’s gone, it’s gone. I sit here wondering what to do with myself. It’s not like my days are free and my house is clean, I am busy. Busy with kids. With a husband who works. An active family with constant visits. But at the end of the day, I’m left with me. Which is a scary thought when you’re unsure who “me” really is or wants to be.

I also have a birthday coming up. I am happy to grow, and growing up means getting that much closer to yourself. Something I honestly long for now that I’m able to pinpoint that I don’t know what “self” means. I went from high school to having a baby. Confident in my decision, no regrets. My life now is everything I dreamed it would be  and more than I could ever even ask for. This year marks my sixth birthday as a Mother, and I am so grateful that all of my children and husband are in my life. I hate the word blessed, but I really am.

So, when did you find yourself? Most say in their late twenties or early thirties… but do I really need to wait another six years to “find” that mysterious piece of my puzzle? I asked my Mom’s partner, who turned 30 earlier this year, if she feels more comfortable with herself now verses her mid-twenties and she said yes. Content with her current state– which I am also. And I get that. I am beyond content with my life. It’s more the stress and worry about not having any substance as Kelly and losing my identity in Mom. And then between those two there is also Wife. Speaking in third person now– Kelly, Mom, and Wife all live happily together and make one whole Me. I have the Mom part down (sort of, constantly evolving), working every day on the Wife part,  and hoping to slowly learn who Kelly is underneath Mom and Wife.

I could go on. Probably because it’s so unknown.  This sense of “self”… but for now I will keep rambling inside my head. Wondering if the women I pin on Pinterest knew themselves before they were okay with buying 600$ wide-leg shorts and figuring their true sense of self. Lets just say I’ve been listening to a lot of Coconut Records, I need to cook dinner, and it’s Monday.


6 thoughts on “rambling on

  1. Monica Eary

    Amen. I’ve been trying to be more “me” lately, doing more painting and planting but it’s hard to figure out who you are and want to be when you go from highschooler to mama so fast. It’s amazing and I wouldn’t have it any other way but sometimes it’s confusing.

    XX Monica

  2. Em

    The lucky part is you will have so long to find out who you are after your children are grown. You will have an empty nest in what- your late thirties? How amazing is the idea that you have 20+ years before retirement to find what makes Kelly happy once you’re done with the day to day of raising children. I didn’t have kids quite as young as you- I was 25 when my first was born- but I am easily the youngest mom at school and instead of worrying about fitting in, which hasn’t been a problem, I have started to realize that my age is such a great advantage. We will have all three in college by the time I turn 44. I have twenty years to be me without kids- I am just doing it at the tail end instead of at the beginning of adulthood. I am so happy with the choices I made- I married my first real boyfriend and we are 9 years into marriage and 17 years into our relationship, but I went straight from high school to a live-in couple and at times we have struggled for this. From what I have seen via Instagram, you are so fortunate in you life, children and relationship and maybe that’s what makes the Kelly part of you happy. But, it seems you have a wonderful support system so that when the day comes that you need to do something to find yourself again, they will be there to share in the joy of finding you as you have shared in the joy of helping them find them. I

  3. Kay

    Just wanted to let you know I have felt very similar and found that if I was intentional with ‘me’ time in between all the chaos that is mom/wife I ended up finding myself. I just turned 29 so I think that it does have a little to do with age and the aging of my babies. Take time for you. You deserve it! You’re a rock star :)

  4. Anna

    I’ve been thinking about this post since I read it and I don’t see why one’s identity as mom and wife can’t make up the identity of self. The pieces of being a mom and wife make-up who I am as my self – just as being a daughter and a friend do. Even before I had children I planned for the mom i wanted to be – so really it was part of my self before the actual title. And as the babes grow, or parents age, those relationships never really leave us – they just grow and transform as we do. Just as we “find” ourselves I believe we find ourselves changing. Self to me is being comfortable in where I am right now and appreciating it for what it is.

  5. Mimi

    Thirties bring a certain peace in oneself, though approaching it can feel like infinite questions on who you are need to be answered. Just take the breath and lean back and learn that thirties also mean more observing and reflecting in the joys, pains, and embarrassments of the past, and what the past has presented to the present and what it will bring in the future. Though I didn’t have my first until I was in my thirties, I knew when I turned thirty who I didn’t want to be, and now my son made me feel even more comfortable in my skin and blessed to be a part of the experience as he grows up to become independent. I just rambled in my own post about losing out on things since having a baby. Xo

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